Wednesday, October 15, 2014

Lost Love

I have ignored this blog for way too long.  It started as a little self therapy as I recovered from several surgeries.  I also hope to hone a skill I am not very good at.  I can talk your tail off but had/have much difficulty in putting feelings down on paper.  I also hoped it would become a way to vent some steam on topics I feel strongly about.  I just got distracted by everyday life and trying to move myself ahead.  Oh well.

I notice after talking with friends and seeing posts on Facebook/Twitter so many people going through breakups.  I guess it is that time of year when we are posturing for the holidays and time to let go of what is not working in hopes of finding new in time.  My heart goes out to all that are hurting.  But all is not lost.....

I recently went through a breakup myself that left me in need.  I feel like my heart has been ripped from my chest.  Even though it had been a long time to come to fruition, it was inevitable even though I tried so hard to keep it alive.  Life happens and sometimes will beat you up.  There were events that transpired that I had no control over nor was responsible for just as we were going to really get the relationship into full gear.  I keep asking myself why?  Come on! Isn't there someone out there for everyone?  Why can't I find it? There are some things I have learned and realized that I would like to share the my answers to some those questions and a few I wish I had learned a long time ago.

I miss this person terribly and especially my friend.  I miss who I am when I am with her. Even as just friends.   If I have a regret, it's because I miss my friend more than anything.  And why is that even though they hurt you so and you tell them you never what to see or talk to them again, you keep hoping for a text or call?  Or they just show up and go for that Officer and Gentleman moment?  Recently she called a friend and asked about me.  The friend felt the need to share all of that.  Why does it bother me so?  All I could say was that I was glad to hear she was ok but that I'm not a part of that life anymore and cried my heart out.  Dang.  Just when you thought it was safe.  Sigh.  But chin up, life goes on and somehow when I thought I was going to die,  I am still here.  The heart is a strange beast and hard to keep control of for sure!

First, after all I have been through, I think there is an angel on my shoulder looking out for me even when I am not looking out for myself.  I think in many ways that the Good Lord is watching out and makes things happen as a way to steer me in the right direction or keep me on the right path.  I don't know why at the moment but feel the answers will come one day.  I know way too many times I have gone through broken relationships that at the time seemed devastating only later to look back and say.  "Whew, I dodged the bullet there!"  And I am sure that some of my former partners have said the same thing about me.  LOL!

I wish that someone had told me this.  A friend posted this recently on FB and how true it is. It reads,"Even the heart that is shattered into so many pieces that you can't find them all..can be mended ..sometimes a heart has to be broken so that it can be opened up to something that fills it and makes it feel whole again..doesn't mean it won't have scars ..scars are just reminders of the courage it took to love in the first place ".  How powerful that statement is!  Sometimes I guess those scars are still healing and we need to be reminded.

I had to remind myself that when the relationship started I was pretty much a shell of my original self, almost an invalid after 3 abdominal surgeries and a hip replacement.  My mind said that I had nothing to lose and everything to gain.  It made me want to be a better man, a better parent and overall better person.  She made me realize that I had so much to offer and give, so much unrealized potential.  It served a purpose.  i am so much better off.  My health is better that ever.  My attitude is still holding up.  All of the hard work I have put into the past year is just beginning to pay off.  How can I be too angry?  I hope the Lord has decided that the relationship served it's purpose for both of us and time to move on to the next level.  Even still, I can't imagine feeling the heights or better.  At least it awoke me and something in me that I feel I had lost.  No regrets there!

Here's another. "A breakup is like a broken mirror. It's better to leave it broken than hurt yourself trying to fix it."  How much pain and heartache I could have saved myself!  Jeez...

And then I saw this, "Giving up doesn't always meant you're weak; sometimes it means that you are strong enough to let go".  

All in all, in reflection, yes I still cry sometimes and yes it hurts like 40 hells but I found the true meaning of that saying that it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.  I still smile and pray for strength to move on and be wise enough to see the opportunity at something better when the Lord presents it.  I really felt that I had found a soul mate, someone that completed me. It seems that He has other plans and I can't wait to see what is in store!

To her I say I love you and somewhere in my heart is a special place that you made for yourself and I will cherish that forever.  i wish you luck and only the best.  Thanks for showing me and sharing your heart if only for a little while.  It was a gift whether it was for you, or me or both.  Thanks so much and I am thankful for the moments we shared.  You brightened my life when I needed it most and now it's time to share your gift and awesomeness with someone else.  By the same token, it's time to pick myself up, dust myself off off  and share MY gifts, the lessons learned and all I have to offer with someone who is deserving.  I cry at the loss but am excited about the new adventure before us.  I know that the good you have done for me will come back to you ten fold!  Thanks!

Just a few thoughts...

Take care...Kurt

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